Killing for Peanuts
by Leah Emilio-Depp
Summary: Now that our witty Jack is alive, there are twenty neglected fauxJacks on board the fauxPearl back in Davy's Locker. Tensions are high and insanity is swarming around like angry CLAMS! Don't know HOW you can tell a clam is angry but, go with it! R&R!
1. This is the 1st chapter!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG, this story will get a LOT better in the second chapter; transvestites become a theme in the story then…. Oh, crap! I just told you what was going to happen! Geez.

"BRO, HANDS OFF THE PEANUT- DON'T MAKE ME DO SOMETHING I'LL REGRET!!!" said Jack.

"WHAT!?!? WHAT'RE YOU GOING TO DO, MAN!?!? YOU GONNA' KILL ME!??! WELL, FYI- I CAN'T DIE!!!" yelled Jack.

Jack considered this for a second, cocking his head toward the sky and thought hard. He then punched Jack.

"Yeah, but you can feel pain… NOW GIMME' THAT PEANUT!!"

The Jack on the floor impulsively thrust the peanut into his mouth, chewing furiously and smiling. The standing Jack's face turned pale in sheer terror.

"Di- did you just do what I think you did?" Jack whispered intensely, his body in its entirety shaking violently.

The standing Jack grabbed Jack's shoulders and rolled him over his body, onto the floor again, and then punched his face. Jack fought back.

At that moment, the two Jacks had caught the attention of the other Jacks and one Jack pulled Jack off Jack and another Jack helped the other Jack off the floor while one of the other Jacks talked to the one Jack. And I'm just gonna' say it for the hell of it… Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack.

"Jack… Jesus… that was the second time you went after Jack this month." Jack looked to the ground. "Is there something you wanna' talk about?"

"No. No. It's just-" Jack looked over at Jack. "He just keeps on taking my peanut ration!"

The Jack talking to him looked at the other, peanut-stealing Jack.

"He took your peanut ration?" Jack said, very seriously. Jack nodded.

"Yes! Jack ALWAYS does it!"

"Jack?" Jack asked.

"Yeah… oh, I wanted to talk to you, Jack." Jack put his arm around Jack. "Now, ever since _Captain_ Jack left our Pearl… well, I think we're all under a lot of stress, now: and I don't think the fact that we're all named 'Jack' is helping… shouldn't we all have different names?"

The Jack he was talking to jumped backwards.

"WHAT!?" asked Jack, "But we're JACK- we have to all be named Jack... that's just how it IS."

Jack nodded his head.

"Yeah, I know that, but…can we at least have, like, adjectives to describe us?"

The Jack he was talking to seemed confused.

"Clarify." He said.

"Well…" Jack looked around at all the Jacks he could use for an example. "Ah! You see the shirtless Jack that Captain Jack killed- the one with all the tattoos?"

"Yeah, you mean Jack?"

"Well, I thought we could name him 'Very Tattooed Jack'." Said Jack, shrugging. "Or we could call _me_ 'Peanut Jack', savvy? Because of my extreme infatuation with peanuts, get it? Call each other by adjectives that describe us."

The other Jack nodded.

"Oh… I get it. Can I be 'Dirty Dancing' Jack? 'Cuz I _LOVE_ that movie."

"Um, sure… yeah. And maybe we can elect a new Captain or something."

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!!!

That was the sound of twenty Jacks gasping at the same time and looking toward Peanut Jack in a disturbed manner.

"_What_ did he say?" said one of the Jacks amidst the crowd.

Dirty Dancing Jack slowly inched away from Peanut Jack, not wanting to be associated with him should an angry mob break out.

Peanut Jack took a deep breath through his nose and looked around at the gathered group of Jacks.

"I think it's time we moved on… I think we should get a new captain." Said Peanut Jack.

The other Jacks were still speechless, that is, until one of them spoke up.

"Why would we do that? Only Captain Jack can be the captain."

"JACK IS ALIVE, DARN IT!!!" yelled Peanut Jack, "It's time to let go!"

Once again, silence. One Jack started to weep.

"But… but we love him." said the crying Jack. The others nodded.

Peanut Jack sighed.

"Yeah, I know…we all loved him." he started. "… Er… maybe not LOVED him… but… we're not gay… especially for ourselves… um… ooh, this is confusing. Well, whatever. I also think we should have different names."

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!!!

That was the sound of twenty Jacks gasping at the same time and looking toward Peanut Jack in a disturbed manner.

"_What_ did he say?" said one of the Jacks amidst the crowd.

Peanut Jack sighed and repeated himself.

"I think it would be easier if we had adjectives in our names… we can still all be named 'Jack' but just with some little twist to it. We can just change our names _a little bit._"

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!!!

That was the sound of twenty Jacks gasping at the same time and looking toward Peanut Jack in a disturbed manner.

"_What_ did he say?" said one of the Jacks amidst the crowd.

"WILL YOU GUYS STOP THAT!?!?" yelled Peanut Jack. "Look- change isn't always bad… our system of governing ourselves is flawed… flawed like a… well, just flawed. I think Captain Jack would have liked to have seen us getting on peacefully among ourselves."

Many Jacks nodded and discussed this with the other Jacks next to them.

"One must admit he DOES have a point…," said one.

"And I think we're open for a few changes around here." Said another.

"But who'll we elect as new leader?" asked one.

Peanut Jack was just about to modestly volunteer to be leader when a yell erupted from the crowd.

"_I _submit myself to be leader!!" said one of the Jacks. All the Jacks looked around to find who had said that, when Very Tattoed Jack emerged from the gathering.

"It is I, Jack! Who elect myself as leader!" Very Tattooed Jack put his clenched fists on his hip like a super hero. He then thrust his head toward the sky and grinned like a fox.

Peanut Jack couldn't help but laugh at Very Tattooed Jack and exclaimed;

"I'm sorry, Jack- but your not exactly fit to lead, I mean, Captain Jack tried to KILL you because you couldn't get something done!"

Jacks started to talk again amongst themselves. Trying to protect his image, Very Tattooed Jack took his fists of his hips and leered at Peanut Jack.

"Oh, yeah? Well, Captain Jack killed YOU first!" argued Very Tattooed Jack. More murmurs from the group.

Peanut Jack chuckled as if it wasn't an argument at all.

"Yeah, but Captain Jack killed me for a PEANUT: you were incompetent in your duties." Peanut Jack smirked and Very Tattooed Jack look down at his feet.

The emotional Jack that was crying stepped up and offered a very agreeable point (in my opinion).

"Bu- but… _that_ Jack is shirtless… that's gotta' count for something, right?"

The group of Jacks nodded enthusiastically and uttered approving sentences. Peanut Jack was confused.

"What does that have to do with ANYTHING?" asked Peanut Jack. "So what if he has his shirt off? I can do that too!"

"Yeah, but you never do." Said one of the Jacks. There were more murmers.

"SO? That just means he's an egotistical idiot!"

"HE'S CHARISMATIC!" screamed one of the Jacks.

"HE'S BRAVE!!" screamed another.

"HE'S HERETICAL!!!"

"HE'S NOT EXACTLY THE BUFFEST THING IN TOWN BUT DEFINITELY SEXY!!!!!"

"ALL HAIL VERY TATTOOED JACK!!!!" yelled one of the Jacks.

Everyone surround Very Tattooed Jack and picked him up, carrying him on top of his shoulders as they paraded around the ship.

"Morons." Said Peanut Jack. "They're all morons."

The little spectacle the Jacks had created lasted hours and hours on end and Peanut Jack sat on a barrel, grimacing and frowning, watching all his brethrens strut about like idiots. Very Tattooed Jack- who had been let down by the other Jacks- waltzed over to Peanut Jack and cockily said;

"Oh, don't feel so bad, Jack-"

"My name's Peanut Jack now."

"Alright, don't feel bad, _Peanut_ Jack, I have a special position in my anarchy for you-"

"I think you mean 'hierarchy'."

"Mm hm, yeah, whatever. Well, anyway- I decided that YOOOOOOOOOU can be official Name Caller!"

"Name Caller? Is that it? That's the stupidest job in the-"

"BE GRATEFUL YE EVEN HAVE A JOB, MAGGOT!!" yelled Very Tattooed Jack. "You choose everyone's names tomorrow."

And, with that, Very Tattooed Jack sashayed away, followed by a menagerie of Jacks.

"Imbeciles." Said Peanut Jack.

AUTHOR'S (OTHER) NOTE: don't be fooled, this won't be a big thousand-chapter thingy… I don't think it's going to be longer than eight or nine chapters…


	2. Name naming

YOU HAVE BEEN FORWARNED!!!!: Do my Jacks seem a little… _odd_ to you and others? Like they're really out of character? Well, that's because they're _supposed_ to be: I take the smallest, smallest, SMALLEST facet of Jack Sparrow's personality and blow it out of proportion… _wildly_ out of proportion. And now, the story:

"Stupid, stupid, stupid! I cannot believe this- what the hell am I doing here?"

Peanut Jack was muttering underneath his breath while he sat down at a small, foldout table Very Tattooed Jack set up for him with dozens of Jacks standing in line; waiting to be named.

Very Tattooed Jack waltzed up to Peanut Jack, carrying a chair, and handed it over to him, a smile on his face.

"Y'ready, Jack?" asked Very Tattooed Jack, neglecting to use Peanut Jack's new name.

"Y'know what? If you're not going to take this name thing seriously I'm-"

"Hey!" exclaimed Very Tattooed Jack, offended; "I just forgot, is all! Geez! Don't get all up in my grill, home-dog!"

Peanut Jack raised his eyebrows and dropped his mouth slightly.

"Oh, my God- did you really just say that?" Peanut Jack asked. "I think you just killed everybody and everything Ghetto with a single sentence… good job."

Very Tattooed Jack sneered and walked away.

Peanut Jack sat down into the chair given to him by Very Tattooed Jack (who I have now decided to name VT Jack) and the first Jack came up to him.

"So…Tell me about yourself," Peanut Jack said, "Tell me a few things about yourself that make you different from other Jacks… y'know, so I can name you properly."

This Jack, who looked exactly the same as all the other Jacks (so describing him physically would be a waste of my time), was looking down at his feet and darted his eyes back and forth between them and Peanut Jack's face.

"Um… I-I… I guess I've always been fond of those little, um, what are they called the, um- the things you use when-" this Jack grabbed his head in confusion and started to mutter to himself. "I can't think of it!! Oh, God! WHAT is it!?!?!?"

The Jack sunk down to the floor and started to _violently_ _cry_ and, in between sobs said, "Why can't I- I- THINK!?!?"

The Jack cried even harder.

"Okay… you can be… Emotional Jack."

Emotional Jack stood up, his mascara running down his face and onto his chest.

"Thank you," he said, "Thank you."

Peanut Jack scribbled the Jack's new name on a name card and handed it to Emotional Jack who took it, stared into space momentarily and walked away. Peanut Jack rubbed his temples with the tips of his fingers and sighed.

"Next!" he yelled, beckoning to the next unnamed Jack.

The next one was going to be VERY easy because the next Jack was clucking.

"Buck-Buck- BuckAW!"

"You will be Chicken Jack," said Peanut Jack. Peanut Jack placed his name card on Chicken Jack's arm and patted it down.

Chicken Jack pecked his arm -where the name card was- with his nose, twitched his head upward and walked towards the mast of the ship, pecking it with his face.

"_I don't know WHERE that Jack came from… that's just creepy… maybe Captain Jack had a chicken fetish or something_…" thought Peanut Jack."_Eh… not the creepiest thing Jack's done._"

Peanut Jack had gone through a bunch of different Jacks in the next half hour: Pomegranate Jack, Really Buff Jack, Grunge Rock Jack, Too Gay to be Straight Yet Too Straight to be Gay Jack (or TGTBSYTSTBG Jack) and Vegan Jack- just to name a few. However, a few of the Jacks stood out among the others and will eventually be key to the twisted plot of the story… like Emo Jack, for example.

(Twenty minutes ago:)

"So… Jack, are you emo? Because I've always thought you were." asked Peanut Jack.

Emo Jack put his hands on his tight, black pants and threw his head to the side so his short, straightened hair was out of his left eye for a second.

"Why does everyone say that?" asked Emo Jack, staring at Peanut Jack through his horn-rimmed glasses and speaking in a sculpted, soft voice. "It's not like a cut myself or listen to rock bands… I just like this style of clothing!"

"Oh, Jack, stop lying to yourself-"

"I'm perfectly happy with my life! I have no reason to be depre-!"

"Your name's 'Emo Jack': next!"

Emo Jack closed his mouth and put his hands on his hips.

"I'm going to my cabin and writing poetry if anyone cares," he started, "And I know you all don't."

Emo Jack walked away; deeply enraged, but retaining his composure.

"I said 'Next'!" yelled Peanut Jack.

The next Jack who came up was… different. Everyone on the entire faux-Pearl knew that this Jack was different.

This Jack was different because he- well, I can't really say "he" because, well- he was a girl.

"Hello, Peanut Jack," she said, a smirk on her face.

"Hi! Hi! Well, I guess we know what to name you!" Peanut Jack said, his palms sweating.

"Yes! I can _finally_ have a girl's name!" she said, smiling and clapping her hands together. "The name you're thinking of… it wouldn't happen to be 'Jacqueline'… could it?"

"Right! How did you know that!? God, you're sexy- I mean smart! Smart!" Peanut Jack tried to cover up his verbal fumble while his cheeks turned bright pink. "God, you're smart… I meant."

You see, on this faux-Pearl, every single Jack represented a different part of Captain Jack's personality… and we all know that -despite our sexy Captain's manly-nism- he is quite… effeminate.

Jacqueline retained very little of Captain Jack's physical aspects and more of him psychologically.

Jacqueline had tight lips and glossy, brown eyes to match her dark brown hair which she combed and straightened every day: it fell down to her hips. Her face, however, was even tighter than Jack's and her body and… … … … well, "everything else" was that of a woman. She made her own clothes because the loose clothing the others wore was not very… flattering.

The other thing I just have to quickly say about Jacqueline was that she was a HUGE flirt and she was loved by EVERY single Jack on board… except Chicken Jack and Too Gay To Be Straight Yet Too Straight To BeGay Jack: TGTBSYTSTB Jack saw her as a friend and Chicken Jack really couldn't care less.

"I thank you highly, Peanut Jack," said Jacqueline, smiling and walking away.

"God, she's hott," Peanut Jack whispered, watching Jacqueline strut away. The rest of the Jacks in line nodded and agreed. Peanut Jack's eyes darted back and forth. "This is awkward," he said.


	3. Random Crap That Happens!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG!! I am SOOOOOOO sorry it took me, like, a freaking decade to update!!! SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!! I am such a procrastinator. Oh, and I do not own nor am affiliated with the following people or corporations: Dr. Phil, Tyra Banks, Madonna and the Avon Company. NOW, READ, FOOLS!!! READ!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Our poor Peanut Jack spent the next three hours after Jack-naming listening to complaints and changing names to fit personalities and spent half of the time comforting Emotional Jack for various reasons.

By the time the Pearl's curfew was reached, Peanut Jack was so relieved to return to his quarters with Emotional Jack, Chicken Jack, Vegan Jack and TGTBSYTSTBG Jack. Chicken Jack was pecking Vegan Jack with his face by the time they returned to their shared quarters and TGTBSYTSTBG was debating with himself whether he liked "Godfather Part II" or "Moulin Rouge" better. And Emotional Jack decided to pour his heart out to Peanut Jack… again.

"An-and… so, T-T-Tyra told us that i-if I simply talked to somebody I trusted th-then… maybe I could be more ex-ex-ex… extroverted."

"_Don't get your hopes up, Buddy…,_" thought Peanut Jack.

"B-Bless her heart, that Tyra… she is-,"Emotional Jack took a deep breath to clear his throat, "oh… she is so strong."

Emotional Jack shared a bunk with Peanut Jack ever since they were subconsciously created: Peanut Jack on the bottom and Emotional Jack on top. They climbed-on in.

"Y'know, P-Peanut Jack?"

Peanut Jack was getting really annoyed and, with an exasperated sigh, said:

"Yes, Emotional Jack?"

Emotional Jack started nervously fiddling with his fingers and said, in his quiet, meek voice, "D-Do you miss the Captain sometimes?"

Peanut Jack thought about this for a second.

"Well, no offense, but it's kinda' hard to miss someone who shoots you over a peanut… just a little bit."

"Oh… oh… okay."

"Don't get me wrong, though- he's still a part of me so I'm kinda' forced to miss him…"

Emotional Jack smiled, turned onto his side and stared at the wall as Peanut Jack mirrored the action.

The next morning, Kitchen Jack (who made all the meals for the all-Sparrow crew) rounded up everybody in the galley and surprised them all by serving their favorite breakfast: rum-flavored pork with a rum-basted rum coating served in rum-glazed rum with rum-extract-flavored rum filling IN rum with a side of… water.

In rum.

The only one who wasn't eating that was Vegan Jack who had a rum-flavored, rum-soaked garden salad.

Everybody was in particularly high spirits today, including Emotional Jack, who had been inspired by last night's talk with Peanut Jack (for some strange reason) and enjoyed an intense discussion with Pomegranate Jack on their hate for Lindsey Lohan and medicine cabinets.

Peanut Jack, too, felt less stressed than the previous day and sat to Emotional Jack's right and Emo Jack's left and even engaged conversation with him about current politics. Emo Jack had a mysterious, nondescript, red journal on his lap as he ate that peaked Peanut Jack's interest.

"Hey, What's that journal you got there, Emo?"

"NOTHING!!"

Emo Jack stuffed the journal down his pants.

Peanut Jack tried not to stare at the irregular bulge in Emo Jack's pants.

"Okaaaaaaay, Emo Jack- settle down… it was just a question."

Emo Jack was breathing heavily and his eyes were dilated.

"I-I'm sorry, Peanut Jack… it's, it's just…I-I… promise not to tell anybody-" he looked down to the book situated in his pants and pulled it out slowly and, taking a deep breath, said, "I write poetry."

"Oh… well… what's wrong with-?"

"About Jacqueline."

Both Jacks looked over their shoulder to the female Jack Sparrow, who multitasked as she ate her breakfast, read "Sense & Sensibiliy", and did her toenails.

"Jacqueline?"

Peanut Jack was slightly confused, because- although Jacqueline was physically attractive: a spawn of the tremendously sexy Captain himself- he never really thought of her as an _interesting_ person… just a hott one.

"Yeah… she's… she's so awesome," Emo Jack said, putting his head in his palm and going all googly-eyed. "She's just so…cool."

"Eeeyah… maybe you should go talk to her."

"WHAT!? No! No! I can't do- I can't! What if she doesn't- What- What if she doesn't like me?"

"Well, So? It'll be COMPLETELY worth it if she does feel the same way, and (on the off-chance) she doesn't feel the same way, well, you can always-"

There was a long pause.

"Well," Emo Jack began, "Well what?"

"Actually, I got nothing… you'd actually be pretty screwed… but, come on… just give it a try… you'll be missing out on a lot if you don't…"

Emo Jack stood up and thrust his fist into the table.

"Damnit, you're right!! I'm gonna' walk straight up to her and ask Jacqueline on a date!"

Emo Jack pushed his hair out of his eyes and strutted over to the table behind him. When Peanut Jack was sure he wasn't paying attention to him anymore, he picked up the red journal and started to read.

"Heh heh… sucker."

The first few pages were, actually, not dedicated to the female Sparrow, Jacqueline- but instead to death, meaninglessness, and the mediocrity of existence.

"_Pfft… not emo my ass…,"_ he thought, as he read another poem.

However, after about ten pages, the poems drastically changed tone:

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_Oranges are orange_

_Damn, Jacqueline is hott!!_

"Okay," said Peanut Jack, turning the page and becoming engrossed in the poetry (if you can call it that).

It wasn't long before Peanut Jack looked over his shoulder to check on his little emo friend and realized that everyone else was looking in that direction, too. And with good reason….

Seeing as how Jacqueline and Emo Jack's faces were glued together.

"Hmm," said Peanut Jack, going back to the poems, "That's nice."

Peanut Jack decided that a riot would soon break out, like it always did around this time in the morning after all these Jack Sparrows were high on rum, and left the journal out in the sun and returned back to his bed. Peanut Jack automatically noticed a difference in sound as he closed the cabin door and picked up his iPod.

"Oh, Madonna… take me away from this place with your melodious- AUGH!!"

Peanut Jack was disrupted from his iPod because something from behind him was vigorously shaking him. He turned around on his heels and put his hand on his heart before facing a very distraught Emotional Jack.

"Emotional Jack? You scared the living hell outta' me!"

Peanut Jack noted the hysterical look on his face and said, "Hey-hey- what's wrong? Did-did something happen? Is there something you wanna' talk about? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO TYRA!?!?!"

Emotional Jack was still crying and shook his head.

"N-No… she-she's fine…"

"Then what is it?"

Emotional Jack seemed to be struggling with something… like he had a tiny marble in his throat that he couldn't quite get out.

"Ja-Ja-Jac…Jac-"

"Jack? Which one?"

He shook his head.

"Jac-Jac-_Jacqueline_."

"Jacqueline? What about her?"

"Jacqueline and E-E-Emo Jack."

"Yeah, what about-?" Peanut Jack stopped talking for a second, "Ohhhhhhhh… damn, you're in love with her, aren't you?"

Emotional Jack nodded his head frantically.

"_Oh, crap…_" Peanut Jack thought.

It was then that Emotional Jack thrust himself into Peanut Jack and he was forced to hug the sobbing wreck.

"Hey, look, we can get through this, buddy…," he said, patting the sobbing man's back.

"No! W-We can't! She's with another man and she'll never l-love me the w-way she loves HI-IM!!!"

"Um, Emotional Jack…"

"At l-least I know I have friends who would a-always stick up for me!"

"Um, about that…" Peanut Jack prepared for the crying. "Um… I-I didn't really know you, y'know, were… in love with, uh, Jacqueline."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Oh, nothing- It's just I kinda' encouraged Emo Jack to, uh…"

"What? To what?"

"To, uh… um…"

Emotional Jack looked Peanut Jack straight in the eyes.

"A-Are you trying t-to tell me you SET THEM UP?"

"Well, not necce- yes. Yeah, I did."

And, just like that, in a matter of seconds, Peanut Jack was on the floor, Emotional Jack's foot was on his back, his hand held fast to dreadlocks and his elbow was digging into Peanut Jack's neck.

"AUGH!! AUGH!! YOU'RE- RARGH!!- HURTING ME!!!"

"YOU BASTARD!! YOU SOLD THE ONLY WOMAN WHO MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME- THE ONLY WOMAN ON BOARD THIS SHIP!!! THE ONLY WOMAN WHO CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND ME AND LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM TO AN EMO-FREAK!?!??!"

"I'M SORRY!! I REALLY AM!!"

"SORRY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! SORRY WON'T GIVE ME BACK THE WOMAN I LOVE!!!"

"Well, MAYBE if you weren't an emotional wreck 24/7 you would actually have the strength to asking out a STUPID girl out."

"Jacqueline is NOT STUPID!! And, SECOND OF ALL, I am a freaking copy of The Captain and-!!"

"So?"

"Let me finish!! I'm his emotions!! I am the ESSENCE of emotion! I'm that part of him that was kept inside all the time! Locked away ALL THE TIME!" Emotional Jack's temples looked as if they were going to burst.

"Every time he wanted to break down and cry like a little girl, he held me back! Every time he wanted to tear the fingernails off everyone in sight out of pure rage, he held me back!! Every time he wanted to swallow his pride and admit to the World that he was an avid Dr. Phil watcher, HE HELD ME BACK!!!!! IT'S A _LITTLE _TOUGH FOR ME _NOT_ TO AN EMOTIONAL WRECK!!!!"

"_What is it with Captain Jack and talk show hosts?_" Peanut Jack asked himself.

Then, Emotional Jack flung himself from Peanut Jack, laid down onto the floor, started to cry and said, "I'm SOOOOOO sorry!! I mean, h-hurting y-you like that! A-and y-yelling at you like tha-ha-hat! I am such a terrible person!!"

Peanut Jack was confused, but to exhausted to deal with his rants any longer.

"Uh… maybe you should lay down… or something."

Emotional Jack nodded his head, the tears still streaming down his face.

"I suppose you're right…," he smiled briefly as he said, "You always have so e pretty good ideas."

Peanut Jack decided to make Emotional Jack feel a little better by paying him a compliment.

"Umm… how does your eyeliner stay on so well when you cry?"

"Avon Glimmerstick… it's waterproof…," Peanut Jack made the huge mistake of asking that question and would suffer the annoying consequences as the two climbed into their bunks, "Now, at first I thought 'come on, _waterproof_ eyeliner'? Pfft… yeah right! But, then when I tried it, it ACTUALLY worked! And I was all 'awesome'!"

"_Oh, great… _"

"AndsothenIwantedtobuytheMidnightSeaBreezecolorbutthenthere'sactuallythisruleabouttheeyelinerwewearandit'sHAStobeblack!DidyouknowthatcuzIdidn'tknowthatIactualythinkthat;sastupidruleandIthinkitshouldbeleftuptotheJack'stodecidethatbutthenagainiftheCaptainreallywantedthiscoloreyelinertobewornonallofusithinkweshouldhonorhiswishesbutstill-"

Peanut Jack stuffed his pillow over his head and tried to block out Emotional Jack's excited rant about eyeliner. Peanut Jack figured that he was so tired, he could make it not only through the day, but the following night and wake up the next morning. And he could, probably, if it weren't for the huge congregation of people who assembled themselves outside his bed. And, if it weren't for the person who decided to scream the following, three inches from his head while shaking him vigorously:

"OH, MY GOD- JACK!! JACK!! Wake up!! I mean, I'm sorry, PEANUT JACK- WAKE UP!! COME ON, THIS IS SO COOL!!!"

Peanut Jack flung his arms around spastically as he woke up and stared into the dimly lit evening light. His eyes could barely make out the few shapes in front of him as they adjusted to the light and as Peanut Jack rolled onto his side before slowly sitting up and facing them.

Another voice said, "Peanut Jack! Oh my God! Come on!"

Peanut Jack automatically identified this voice as that of Vegan Jack: the laid-back hippy sing-song voice was unmistaken-able.

"He's here! He's here!"

That one was Jacqueline, with here high-pitched, effeminate voice, although Peanut Jack didn't need to hear her voice to know that, since his eyes had already adjusted to the light and he saw her face inches from his. There were several Jacks shaking him and talking simultaneously, in an excited frenzy.

"Woah, what- what are you guys- what's happening?" he asked.

There were several people who were trying to respond to his question but their words became jumbled as they all said them at the same time. Only Jacqueline's voice, with it's clear distinction and enunciation (instead of the drunken, slurred speech of the other men) could be heard,

"Peanut Jack!! He's here! He's here!"

"Who? What the hell are you talking about?"

Jacqueline grabbed Peanut Jack by the shoulders and looked straight into his tired eyes. Jacqueline looked hysterical.

"It's the Captain! It's the Captain! He's here! He's here! OhmyGod, he wants to see you, Peanut Jack! He wants to SEE YOU!!"

"WHAT!?!?"

Jacqueline didn't answer his nonsensical shout, but, instead, just clapped her hands together and squealed.


	4. The Captain Comes

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know this was unexpected, and out of the blue… but, I'm sorry to admit that… this is the second to last chapter of the Killing For Peanuts… yes, I know- I suck. Here I am, dishing out a thousand-word chapter every four weeks that you guys (for some reason) find pretty funny, and, as if I couldn't get anymore STUPID, I just end the series?? I know, I suck. But, really, this story ain't going nowhere… the next chapters gonna' be LONG though… I'm guessing over 4,000 words… but, really, there's only so many ways I can end this, and the only REMOTELY OK ending requires the ending. And requires it NOW. Besides, I am like our beloved Johnny in the way that he can't be tied down by one thing for so long. I mean, this is my 21 Jump Street! Sure, it's not very popular, but it's holdin' me down, man! After Keeper of the Code, it's sayonara to multi-chapters!! I'm gonna' be a one-shot girl!! That means fresh stories for all y'all who've stuck with me and even better stories, too. Oh, and this is my longest AUTHOR'S NOTE EVAAAHHHHH!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!! YEAH-YUH!!! 216 WORDS AND FAKE-WORDS INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO EXCLAMATIONS!!!!! YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! So, without further ado: KILLING FOR PEANUTS!!!!

Peanut Jack, upon hearing Jacqueline's frenzied cries about the presence of The Captain on the ship, leapt up from the bed and ran to the door, fumbling with the doorknob.

"Damnit! I thought someone fixed this thing!"

The other Jacks started to pound on the door and Jacqueline, the manifestation of impatience, grabbed the axe TGTBSYTSTBG Jack kept underneath his bed… for some reason. The Jacks would investigate that later…

In the meantime, Jacqueline yelled to the Jacks to get out of the way.

"Wait, Jacqueline-! I think the door's almost op-"

She ignored Peanut Jack's request and buried the axe deep into the door, to which, afterward, it slowly swung open. Jacqueline didn't seem to care she had left a deep gash into the door (with tiny splinters on the floor that could easily give them lockjaw or gangrene) and ran to the massive congestion of Jack Sparrows.

It truly was a sight one had to experience to comprehend: the same man, doubled, nay, tripled a dozen times- all moving in synch with one another. It was like a swarm of angry bees, except clad in blouses and dreadlocks and pushing, shoving each other to penetrate the outer circle and get into the center.

Peanut Jack was briefly mesmerized by the giant circle, as was VT Jack, who stood directly next to him.

"Look at that…," said VT Jack.

"Yeah…"

"I've never seen 'em like that."

"Yeah… wait, why am I talking to you? I hate you."

"Oh, yeah…," said VT Jack, disappearing into the Jack-circle.

It was then that Peanut Jack remembered that, deep within the massive crowd, the Captain was at the epicenter of the chaos. He wondered how he would ever get to talk to him, especially with an entourage of twenty-something.

Peanut Jack didn't realize that Jacqueline, petrified with excitement, stood to his left, her hands over her heart.

"Oh my God," she whispered. "CAPTAIN JACK!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!"

Jacqueline, too, ran into the group, clawing the eyes of anyone who got in her way like a crazed groupie.

Just when Peanut Jack was getting accustomed to the sound of pandemonium and bedlam, it all fell silent with the blink of an eye. The circle stopped moving, the Jacks stood still and someone in the center was holding up their hands.

And, like Moses to the Red Sea, Captain Jack Sparrow took a step, his arms still raised, and the circle parted. Another step and the group divided again. He put his arms down and walked right out of the gathering, the Jacks watching his every movement with intent gazes and watchful eyes. The Jack Sparrows gaped and stared, gaped and stared, gaped and stared, gaped and stared until the Captain turned on his heels and yelled;

"Stop staring at me, you pompous freaks!!"

And, then, realizing that each and every one of the pompous freaks were, basically, him, he turned around and faced Peanut Jack, lifting his frown into a smiled as he turned.

"Jack," he stated, his arms outstretched, prepared to embrace him. The other Jacks fumed with jealously. Peanut Jack did not know what to do. Before he knew it, the Captain was hugging him.

"Um… Captain?"

"Yes, boy?"

"Uh… I, uh… well, first of all, don't call me that, please." The Jacks gasped.

Emo Jack stood up and yelled, "HOW DARE YOU ORDER THE CAPT-!!!"

Captain Jack raised his hand: Emo Jack shut up and sat back down.

"I thank you all for your enthusiasm on my return, I really do…," started Captain Jack, facing the rest of the Jacks, "but it's creepy… so shut up." The Captain turned on his heels and put his arm over Peanut Jack's shoulder.

"Walk with me, boy…"

"Captain, please, don't call me-"

"I noticed you didn't join the circle, Jack. Are you not happy to see me?"

"It's Peanut Jack, now, sir," he said. The Captain stared at him, confused, confuzzled, if you will.

"Explain."

"Well, y'know how we're all called 'Jack'?" Captain Jack nodded his head. "Well, we find it gets a little confusing 'cuz we all…"

Captain Jack was staring at him. "… we all…," (stare), "… look alike…," (stare), "W-Why are you staring at me?"

(Stare)

"Captain?"

(Stare)

"Sir?"

(Stare)

"Master?"

(Stare)

"Mister?"

(Stare)

"Ma'am?"

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!!!"

"R-really?"

"LIKE HECK IT IS!! WOOOOO-EEEEEEE!!!!" Captain Jack slapped his knee as Peanut Jack couldn't help but look to the floor and blush.

"Well, th-thank you, Captain, I don't usually get recognized around here for my-"

"I _KNEW_ YOU'D MAKE A GOOD CAPTAIN!!"

There were gasps. But, not just regular gasps. Ultra- gasps. Like, if you took a gasp, put it into a megaphone, stretched it on a taffy-puller, put yeast in it and baked it at 420 degrees Fahrenheit, exploded it and put it in a wine bottle and sent it to Tokyo. And then had it multiplied by twenty.

"C-Captain? Sir? Is that what you said?"

"Huh?"

"You said I was gonna' be captain," said Peanut Jack.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"No, I didn't."

"Uh, yes, you did."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well, I was supposed to tell you 'at in private but…," he paused, "oops."

"Sir… I-I don't know what to say besides, well…"

"Yes, boy?"

"Where the heck did THAT come from?"

"Eh?"

Peanut Jack decided to use his "mad hands" to describe the following to Captain Jack:

"Well, you come on this boat for, what? _Ten_ minutes? And then decided you're just going to hand over the most prestigious of honors aboard this ship to ME? The very man you killed for eating a freaking peanut? Do you ALWAYS make decisions like this? Spur-of-the-moment-I-don't-care-what-happens-to-anyone-as-long-as-it's-weird-and-appealing-to-me-and-I-could-just-commit-mass-genocide-and-I'd-be-fine-as-long-as-it-was-entertaining decisions? Is that it? Is that what you- a-are you insane?"

The Captain just stared, mouth slightly open, head leaned back.

"No, really," said Peanut Jack, "Are you insane? Is that how you got back here? Via insanity?"

Every single Jack looked as if they had just been repeatedly kicked in the crotch… except for Jacqueline… to which that would have little effect. Speaking of Jacqueline and being repeatedly kicked in the crotch… _that_ was who ran up to Peanut Jack and _that_ was what she was prepared to do to him.

"How DARE you say that to the Captain, you- you-!!!"

Jacqueline thrust her leg upward, prepared to kick, when Captain Jack put his hand on her shoulder.

"It's alright, Love, settle down."

Jacqueline giggled obnoxiously and stood behind him, biting her lower lip and rocking back and forth on her heels. She looked like she was a seizure just waiting to happen.

"Is that what you think of ol' Jackie?" said Jack. "'e's a daft lunatic who doesn't know what'e's doin' 'alf the time?"

Peanut Jack looked to his feet, too ashamed (and scared) to admit that that was exactly what he thought of his Captain.

"Well… that may be true…," Captain Jack started, "but just because I'm a maniacal fool does NOT mean I have poor judgment… I know who's fit to be a Captain, and I knew it the second I stepped on this ship."

Peanut Jack furrowed his brow.

"I love The Pearl…," Captain Jack began, "And, real or not, I want her to have the best possible leader she can get… and, so far, you're the least incompetent of this lot."

Peanut Jack looked around and suddenly realized why the Captain wanted HIM as Captain. Captain Jack seized Peanut Jack by the blouse and yelled, "DO YOU WANT THE CHICKEN TO BE CAPTAIN!?!?? OR THAT ONE THAT REALLY LIKES GOATS!?!??!? IS THAT IT?!?!!??!? ANSWER ME, PEANUT JACK!!!!"

"NO, SIR, NO!!!" Peanut Jack screamed like a private to his general.

"GOOD!! SO, YOU _WILL_ BE THE CAPTAIN, YOU _WILL_ ENJOY IT, YOU _WILL_ TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND YOU _WILL_ BE MY PERSONAL MAN-HO!!!!"

"YES, SIR, YE- wait… what was that last one?"

"I'm just messin'…," said Captain Jack, as he patted Peanut Jack on the shoulder and smiled. "Now let me show you the ropes…,"

Peanut Jack smiled as he prepared himself for the job of a lifetime…


	5. And, thus, it ends! thank goodnes

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yeah, yeah- I know. It took me forever to write this last chapter. I freaking HATE high school- RARGH!! I never have time to do ANYTHING anymore!! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! Hope you enjoy the last chapter! hOPEFULLY I can write stuff faster form now on! YAY!!!

"Alright, boy-"

"It's Jack, sir- I mean… 'Peanut Jack'…call me Peanut Jack."

"I'll call you whatever the bagel I want… now, what's this called, boy?"

Peanut Jack sighed and rolled his eyes, "That would be the steering wheel, sir."

"Ohhhhhh, well aren't YOUUUUU the smart one?"

The Cap'n had been leading Peanut Jack around, asking him various questions ranging from the most obscure ("_Why should the forestay and the backstay be made of the same material?_") to the maddeningly obvious ("_Point to the mast._").

The Captain had been testing Peanut Jack for hours with nautical questions (such as the above), mental tests (_"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? "_) and social inquiries ("W_ould you kiss on the first date? _") to see just how compatible Peanut Jack was with himself. The Captain decided he would need a good night's sleep on the matter, so he turned in at around 5 o'clock.

"Lazy-ass drunkard," Peanut Jack said, sitting down outside his own cabin (in which the Captain decided to sleep) on top of a barrel. Emotional Jack timidly approached Peanut Jack.

"Peanut Jack?"

"Mm-hmm?

"I-Is the Captain in there?" Peanut Jack nodded solemnly to Emotional Jack, "Well, then- what's he doing?"

"Sleeping."

"Sleeping?"

"Sleeping."

Emotional Jack scrunched his eyebrows together,

"Why?"

As Peanut Jack put his head into his hands, he sighed and wondered if (provided the Captain approved) he even wanted to be leader of the ship.

"He says he's 'tranquilizing his natural intuitive senses'."

"So …," Emotional Jack said, "… he's drunk?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Emotional Jack smiled a little bit and sat next to Peanut Jack, where they chatted lightly of the going-ons in the ship. But, truthfully, Peanut Jack was afraid as ever that the Captain may not, you know, like him.

"Emotional Jack?"

He lifted his eyebrows in recognition of Peanut Jack's statement.

"D-do you think I'm," Peanut Jack swallowed, "boring?"

Emotional Jack opened his mouth to say something, hesitated, and closed his mouth. He then repeated the action: opening his mouth to say something, hesitating and closing his mouth again. He then looked around the ship.

"Um… no?" Emotional Jack said, smiling.

Peanut Jack mentally said, "_Oh, screw you_!" to the Jack, and walked off in a huff.

¥ ¥ ¥ ¥

The next day was very hectic, with all the Jacks waking up nice and early as well as having breakfast two hours before normal (rum stocks were low, so they all just had waffles). A buzz of chatter surrounded what was normally TGTBSYTSTBG, Emotional, and Peanut Jack's cabin as dozens of Jacks sat on their perfectly sculpted asses on the floor.

It was like the people of India waiting for Gandhi as he returned form South Africa… if the people of India were psychopathic beings of a weird, octopus-man's purgatory and Gandhi was a drunk pirate.

"Is he up, YET?" asked Grunge Rock Jack.

"DO NOT QUESTION THE CAPTAIN'S MORNING RITUALS!!!" yelled Jacqueline, who was wearing an assortment of Jack Sparrow accessories, jeans with Jack Sparrow iron-on patches and a "I HEART JS" t-shirt that was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too small for her rather (ahem) _busty_ chest…

"THE CAPTAIN IS _PERFECTION_ AND NONE SHALL QUESTION HIS METHODS OF AWAKENING!!!"

Peanut Jack restrained her across the waist before she got the chance to dig her sharply filed nails into the Jack's thigh.

"Jacqueline! Easy! You're making a scene!"

"Bu-but- the Captain! How- how DARE he insult- how- how dare he- ooh! That ungrateful little-"

"Just calm down… it's okay," Peanut Jack turned her around so that she could face him, "It's gonna' be alright, 'kay? I'll go talk to him… or something."

Jacqueline smiled and hugged him.

"I KNEW I could trust you to do something about it!"

Jacqueline hugged him again and he turned to leave, before remembering something: something sinister. Something he didn't think would happen. _Could_ happen. He had thought of it just now… but it had always been in the back of her mind… yes. Maybe… maybe it was happening right NOW!

The reason Captain Sparrow was coming out of the cabin was because Emo Jack killed him. He knew just how much the Captain meant to Jacqueline, so he killed him out of pure jealousy! Yes! That MUST have happened!

Peanut Jack jumped on top of a barrel and searched the crowd: Emo Jack was nowhere to be found.

"EVERYONE- STAY WHERE YOU ARE!! DO _NOT_ FOLLOW ME INTO THE CABIN, I REPEAT, DO NOT FOLLOW ME INTO THE CABIN!!"

Peanut Jack impulsively unsheathed his sword from its… well, its sheath… and hacked away at the already weakened door (since Jacqueline took the axe to it).

Peanut Jack held his cutlass with two hands and plunged it deep into the door, sending splinters everywhere. A giant, gaping hole inside the door developed and Peanut Jack slipped in through, landing on his face and yelling,

"CAPTAIN- YOUR DEATH SHALL BE-"

Jack Sparrow's (breathing) body was sprawled across the floor with his head atop a pillow and his coat, hat, vest and blouse hanging off the bed.

He was a little sweaty, too.

Captain Jack stirred for a moment, before slowly opening his eyes and saying,

"Eh? Wa'sall- wa' is this? Peanut Jack? Peanut Jack, what're you doing here?"

The Captain groggily helped himself to his feet and rubbed his head and stretched his arms.

"Oh… um… Captain," Peanut Jack began.

"Whydjou' wake me up, Jack?" asked the Captain, cracking his knuckles and lolling his neck backwards.

"Oh… um, nothing, er, Captain- it was… well, it wasn't _nothing, _exactly… I shouldn't say that…," Peanut Jack began, "Well, the truth, um… is… I… I kinda' uh…"

Peanut Jack muttered something.

"What was that, boy? I couldn't hear…"

"I was…(mutter)"

"I'm asking you, boy- why'dja wake me?"

"I, uh… I thought you were dead."

The captain raised his eyebrows.

"Eeeyah," said Peanut Jack. The Captain just stared at him for a while before grabbing his coat and other dressings.

"Well… I'm glad you acted on impulse: very Jack-ish, indeed… good show!"

The Captain gave him a big smile as he adjusted his hat and prepared to go outside.

"See ya' at dinner!"

He stepped out through the doorway and was embraced by the cheers of dozens.

Peanut Jack's face turned red and felt very, very stupid…

¥ ¥ ¥ ¥

The dinner that the Captain had been referring to was the grand banquet the eccentric lead pirate had decided to set up to announce his announcement on whether or not to make Peanut Jack the new captain of the Purgatory Pearl.

"But, wait!" asketh you, the curious reader, "Didn't Captain Jack already say he was going to have Peanut Jack be the new captain?"

Good question!

But, really, you're wasting my time…

El Capitan has decided Jack will be the captain of the Pearl… he just decided it was very, _very_ necessary to hold an extravagant banquet in celebration. With lots of booze. Ah, yes… the booze.

(Oh, and it turns out Emo Jack was… sleeping at the time Peanut Jack thought he was killing him…)

And, thus, our story continues right… about…

¥ ¥ ¥ ¥

"Why, Peanut Jack- you look extravagant!" said Jacqueline, who had stepped into his cabin seconds ago. He was wearing a costume that mirrored the Captain's completely- there was no differentiating him from the Captain, if you excluded the scar on the real Jack's face.

"I dunno'… I think I look like a woma-," Peanut Jack stopped, "Like a womaaaaaanly hot… guy. Like a guy so hot… he's almost, uh, woman-like… eheh…"

"Nice save," Jacqueline said, fumbling with his dreadlocks and brushing off some dirt form his shoulder.

"Jacqueline- can I ask you a question? Well, two questions, actually…"

"Of course, Peanut Jack- what is it?" she said, sitting down on one of the bunk beds. Peanut Jack fumbled with the words, wondering if his question would be considered "prying".

"How is, um, Emo Jack reacting to all this…?"

"To all what?"

"Well, uh… y'know…," Peanut Jack wanted to tell her she was acting like a ditzy slut around the Captain, but he noticed she was wearing those really sharp fake nails, and steered clear of that phrase, "Is he okay with you, um, and the Captain?"

"What about me and the Captain?"

"YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A SKANK!!!"

Is what Peanut Jack _wanted_ to say, but also noticed she had heels on.

"You seem a little…_promiscuous _around him… is all."

Peanut Jack braced himself and put his hand on his thigh, just in case he needed it to make an emergency crotch-shield. Luckily, his beautiful hand would not have to make that journey to his equally beautiful pelvis, for Jacqueline bounced up and down on the bed on her butt and said,

"Oh, it doesn't matter what _he_ thinks, anymore- I broke up with him to be with the Captain!"

"You did _what_!?" yelled Peanut Jack, grabbing her shoulders and looking her in the eye.

"I broke up with him- isn't it _great_!?"

"NO! It most certainly is not _great-_ how could you toy with someone's emotions like that!? You were his girlfriend one day and his ex the next! He even wrote _poetry_ about you!"

"Yeah… it really sucked didn't it?"

"Oh, _tell_ me about it- hey! That's besides the point! He really liked you and you just ditch him for someone who will NEVER be with you- or even LIKE you!"

Jacqueline gasped.

"How _dare_ you talk about the Captain that way- he loves me! I know he does!"

"The Captain only loves _himself!_ He's the KING of One-Night-Stands! Besides the seas and booze, he only loves _himself_!"

"Who am I, Peanut Jack?" Jacqueline asked.

"What?"

"Who _am_ I?"

Peanut Jack was confused,

"You're Jacqueline."

"And _what_ am I?"

"I don't see what this has to do with-"

"WHAT AM I!?"

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! A… woman? A… pirate? A…"

"No… more specific, I mean…"

"You're part of a ship made up of Captain Jack Sparrow's conscious!"

"I'm a part of _whom_?"

"Captain Jack!!"

"And who is the only person he'll ever love?"

"HIMSE-!!" Peanut Jack stopped himself, Jacqueline's scarlet lip-gloss shimmered on her wry smile in the lantern's light, "Oh… you're good."

Jacqueline, who was wearing an extremely low-cut tube top atop her skinny, blue jeans, put her hands on her hips and stood up.

"We'll see how much the Captain really loves me," she said, giving Peanut Jack a kiss on the cheek and walking out, her abnormally huge hips swinging back and forth.

"If I wasn't so turned on by you, I'd kick your ass," said Peanut Jack, beneath his breath.

¥ ¥ ¥ ¥

Peanut Jack knew that the banquet/party thing was supposed to be a "surprise party" even though he knew exactly that everyone was already there and that it was for him. It was really, very strange, though, because Peanut Jack wasn't feeling particularly good about himself, even though he was assuming the position of the most intriguing, intellectual, mysterious and sexiest pirate of all time. If anything, he felt sick as he walked the deserted deck into the hold/kitchen.

It was late evening, and the light emitted from the hold was the only source of luminosity to be found. As he approached the steps downward, he could clearly hear someone say, "Shh, shh, shh! Turn off the lights! He's coming!"

Peanut Jack smiled in flattery as he walked down the steps, expecting a warm welcome and many hugs and praise from his fellow Jacks.

Instead, he got thiry-something Jacks simultaneously saying, "SURPRISE!" and a couple gallons of _something_ dumped on top of his head.

"ARE YOU ALL INSANE!??!?!?!?!?" yelled Peanut Jack, as the lights came on. The Jacks were confused. Peanut Jack looked downward and surveyed his clothing, which was all dripping wet and stained red. He took a dreadlock and sniffed it.

"R-Rum? Oh, hey- that's actually pretty thoughtf- no, wait- JACK! DON'T!!! AUUUUGH!!!"

"SURPRISE!!"

The last two quotes were the first exchanged as our own Captain Jack Sparrow stood on top of the table jumped from it right onto Peanut Jack, as they both fell to the ground.

"WHY did you think that was a good idea!??!?!?" yelled PJ. The Captain remained adamant atop his chest and cocked his head to the left.

"Why not, Jack?" he asked. Peanut Jack managed to remove the (surprisingly heavy) Captain from his body and helped him to his feet. "That's what it's all about, boy- "why not"?"

Peanut Jack tried to brush off the dirt that now immovable from his sticky, rum-soaked articles of clothing.

"You really are bizarre."

"YOU'RE really into pointing out the obvious," said the Captain, taking Peanut Jack by the hand to his place next to him at the end of the extremely long banquet table they had down there. The rest of the Jacks sat as the Captain did, and they immediately raised their glasses.

"A-A toast? For me?" asked Peanut Jack. The Captain nodded.

"To PEANUT!!"

"Peanut JACK."

"Whatever. MAY HE REIGN FOREVER MORE!!" The Captain not only drank his rum-filled chalice, but he splashed it into his face, "Ahhhhh… refreshing."

Once again, Peanut Jack found himself in a position where many things were happening very fast. He did not feel any better about being the new captain, and he excused himself hastily and ran to the deck.

"Wh-where are you going!?" yelled TGTBSYTSTBG Jack, after him. There was a buzz that permeated the room, and many Jacks decided to go after him.

"Nobody follow him!" yelled the Captain, as every Jack turned around to face him, "He must do… whatever he's doing… alone."

"Why?"

"Who cares? I sounded cool when I said that."

Peanut Jack ran to the side of the boat, his head held low and he gazed at the white sand that surrounded him. He felt very, very sick. I don't believe a person has ever wanted to throw up more than he did right now.

"I-I don't want to be Captain, anymore!" he started to say to no one in particular, "Nobody likes me! I don't have a sense of humor at all and- and- I don't want to be on this ship with all these… PEOPLE!! They're- they're insane!"

Peanut Jack felt the pleasant sting of hot tears against his cold face and moped over the side as his vision blurred.

That's when someone slapped him, right. over. the. head.

"Hey! Who did-!?" Peanut Jack stopped mid-sentence to turn around and face… a woman. A really… slutty-looking woman.

"The fuck you looking at?" she asked.

"Your heaving breasts…"

"That was rhetorical, you perv."

"No, seriously- if that dress pushed those things up any higher, I wouldn't be able to see your face… now, who are you and what are you doing on this ship?"

"Oh, stop kidding yourself, Peanut Jack- you know who I am."

"I do?"

"Like hell, you do… my face and name are hardwired into every Jack Sparrow there is…"

And, then, even though he had never seen her, heard of her or thought of her, Peanut Jack knew exactly who this woman was...

"E-Elizabeth?"

She nodded her head. Peanut Jack tackled her and grabbed the tops of the sleeves on her dress.

"YOU'RE THE REASON I'M IN HERE, YOU- YOU- !!!!"

Elizabeth didn't seem to mind that the maniacal pirate held her in very demeaning, violent position.

"Peanut Jack, I don't care what you do to me- I'm the only one who can help you right now… you're not going to hurt me."

Peanut Jack punched her in the mouth.

"JESUS CHRIST!! I DIDN'T ACTUALLY EXPECT YOU TO PUNCH ME!! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!?!!!!??!!?"

Peanut Jack immediately jumped off her body, staring down at Elizabeth: it was happening again- things were moving too fast. He extended his hand to Elizabeth, helped her up and sat upon the deck.

"I-I'm so sorry… I…I'm usually not like this at all… well, I am, but… I- I-"

Elizabeth didn't notice her teeth were bleeding and put her arm around PJ's shoulder.

"S'alright, Little Man… s'alright…I'm here to help."

Peanut Jack's gaze still remained downward, and he didn't bother looking at Elizabeth (or her icky teeth. )

"I'm having a MAJOR identity crisis right now… I don't know who I am… or what I am… or who I want to be."

Elizabeth gave him a hug and rubbed his shoulder and stared into his eyes, with comforting reassurance. She sighed, cleared her throat and said,

"That's bull shit, and you know it."

"Are you always so terribly negative and bitter?"

"… Yeah… pretty much."

"What do you mean 'bull shit'? I sincerely don't know who I am anymore… I used to be this kinda' calm, cool guy and now I'm shouting and screaming…"

"Mmm-hmm?"

"And-and I yell and rant and spazz-"

"Mmm-hmm?"

"And, recently, I find myself getting into outrageous spats and acting spontaneously and-"

And, there it was. Epiphany. A complete and utter epiphany. Elizabeth smiled because she knew he knew just exactly who he was. For the first time in a long time, Peanut Jack had an identity that made him singular, but part of a group.

"Oh, thank you, Elizabeth!" Peanut Jack leaped into Elizabeth's arms and dug his face into hers, "You ROCK!!!!"

"All in a day's work, crazy."

Peanut Jack jumped up and did a cartwheel. He was a person again- a man with character. He knew he was… he was…

"CAPTAIN!!!! JACK!!!! SPAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And, then, as if then Gods suddenly wanted Peanut Jack's happiness to be completely crushed by a squirrel on a steamroller, a Jack came running form the hold, panting and distraught.

"Peanut Jack! Peanut Jack! Come quickly!"

Peanut Jack faced the exhausted Jack and asked him what was wrong.

"You gotta' come quickly- a riot's just broken out!"

Peanut Jack looked over his shoulder to see if Elizabeth would come and help, but she was gone. He looked all around for her, but she had vanished. With no time to worry about where she had gone, Peanut Jack followed the other Jack down to the hold, where he stared madness, death and really effeminate screaming in the eye.

There were Jacks yelling at each other, digging their dirty nails into each others' arms and breaking rum bottles over each others' heads. There were even two pairs of Jacks on top of each other, fighting for dominance, beating the crap out of each. The other pair, at first glance, looked like they were making out, until Peanut Jack realized the Jacks actually had their faces _glued _together.

And, then, Peanut Jack caught glimpse at what was going on in the background, where the Captain was sitting. Four separate Jacks held him at gun point: Emotional Jack, Very Tattooed Jack, Emo Jack and… Jacqueline? Each hand was shaking as they held Captain Jack in this desperate situation. Emo Jack was the first to speak,

"YOU STOLE MY GIRL AWAY FROM ME YOU POMPOUS… FREAK!!!"

And, then, Very Tattooed Jack,

"YOU GAVE THE CAPTAIN TITLE AWAY TO PEANUT JACK AND NOT ME!!??!?!!?!! ARE YOU INSANE, YOU CRAZY SON OF A -"

He was cut off by Emotional Jack,

"YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS- AN EMOTIONAL WRECK!!! I CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL HAVE A PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN, ALL BECAUSE OF _YOU_!!!"

Jacqueline's eyeliner and mascara dribbled down her eyes, following her streams of tears, as she said,

"PEANUT JACK WAS _RIGHT-_ YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF!!! I'VE GIVEN YOU NOTHING BUT LOVE SINCE THE DAY I WAS CONCIEVED AND YOU SHRUG IT OFF AND- AND- AUGH, I'M GONNA' KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

"Excuse me?" asked Peanut Jack

(the fighting and yelling continues)

"Excuse me?"

(fighting, yelling)

"Guys?"

(fighting, yelling)

"Um… may I have your attention, please?"

(fighting, yelling)

"Uh… I said, 'May I have your attention,_ please_'?"

(fighting, yelling)

"_**IF YOU ALL DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW, SO HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING TO TEAR EACH DREADLOCK OFF YOUR GREASY, EGOTISTICAL SKULLS AND USE THEM TO WHIP YOU ALL SO HARD, YOUR ASSES WILL NO LONGER CONTAIN SKIN PIGMENTATION!!!!!!!**__"_

And the room went silent.

Peanut jack found he looked more important when he paced back and forth, sp he did so as he talked to the others.

"You all make me sick," he said, spitting out the last word like it had a bad taste to it, "I mean, I leave you all for two minutes-"

"It was actually more like four and a half-"

"Whatever! It doesn't matter- I leave you all for four and a half minutes and your all at each others' throats!"

The Jacks looked down in shame, as if they were all puppies who knew they had just knocked over a very expensive vase. Even the three Jacks and Jacqueline dropped their weapons to the floor. The Captain didn't move and, instead, listened to the Jack as intently as the others.

"I mean… you guys are friends! You're all a big, happy family- your brothers, for God's sake!"

Jacqueline cleared her throat.

"… and sisters. But you guys seem to think that, because you're all the same, you need to, like, be better than everyone else… like you've got somethin' to prove! We're probably staying together forever, so the sooner you guys learn that you have more in common than you have different, the sooner we can all learn what it's like to truly have the _privilege_ to be called 'Jack Sparrow'."

The Jacks removed their gaze from the floor and onto Peanut Jack again, a sense of pride and understanding in their hearts.

"Remember… we're not Jack Sparrow because we're crazy… we're crazy because we're Jack Sparrow."

And, then- a sudden and mutual decipherment enveloped the Jacks and they all embraced each other, peaceful and with love in their hearts. (But, not, like, y'know LOVE love… like the "Oh, I wanna' be witchoo'" love… like, the love between friends and stuff an'… yeah).

The Captain stood up and started a slow clap… well, he tried to start a slow clap… but it just didn't catch up.

"Damnit, these things never work!"

However, the Jacks gladly obliged to a regular, celebratory clap and they cheered and yelled and ran up to Peanut Jack and hugged him. Every single one hugged him and told them how happy they were, now. Everyone, that is, except for Chicken Jack (who pecked at his face), TGTBSYTSTBG Jack (who gave him a very "affectionate" hug…) and Jacqueline, who thought that dispensing waterfalls of joyous tears and fastening herself to his leg was the proper way of saying "Thank you". And, last but not least, the Captain approached him.

The whole room was silent as the Captain sauntered over to Peanut Jack and looked him straight in the eye. He poked him on the forehead with on finger.

"You. Got it."



The next day, the Captain was preparing to depart back to the real world and said his long good-byes to the Jacks on the Faux Pearl.

"May a thousand splendid lady-goats be yours," he said. Goat Jack embraced him and waved to him "good-bye" from afar. Although he only spent about ten seconds each wishing the jacks good-luck, he spent some extra time with Jacqueline, who, instead of being perky and bubbly, averted her gaze and tried not to cry.

"Jacqueline, I know that you've always wanted to be my woman, but… I'm a free spirit… I can't just tie myself down to one girl, you understand? I didn't mean top hurt you…"

"I know… I suppose I always had some fantasy thought that the Captain would come back and rescue me… whisk me away from this place… but whatever makes you happy will make me happy."

The Captain smiled and took her in his arms.

"If it's any consolation… you're one of the most beautiful women I've seen…"

Jacqueline's eyes began to well as the Captain passionately kissed her. This went on for about fifteen seconds until he pulled away and said,

"Oh, my GOD! Is that what I TASTE like!?!?!" Captain J insensitively spat at his feet and scrunched his face, as if in pain, "AUGH, I taste like a martini and Old Spice!"

The Captain then realized just how offensive this was, and faced Jacqueline again.

"Not that I don't like martinis…" he said.

Jacqueline knew he meant well and smiled, solemnly walking away to join the others. She never looked back. /.\

And , then, all the other jacks suddenly said one last good-bye simultaneously and went to eat their breakfast in the hold. Only PJ and the Captain were left on the deck.

Peanut Jack leaned against the bow of the shiol and looked over the side to his very own sea of ivory sand. The captaqin joined him on leaning over the side.

"Awww…lookit' how cool you look…" said Captain Jack, squeezing PJ's cheek, "Y'ready to be the most important pirate of all time?"

"That's a little bit vain, don'tcha' think…?"

"Oh, come on- all the other pirates are drunkards and spazzes."

"How is that any different than you?"

Captain Jack smiled,

"I'm pretty."

"Vain little …"

"But, seriously, you still seem… I dunno'… tense."

"Really?"

"Yeah… are you sure y'er ready for all this?"

Emo Jack suddenly ran up to Peanut Jack, his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.

"Captain Peanut Jack- TGTBSYTSTBG Jack is taping people to walls, Very Tattooed Jack sprained his ankle dancing, Pomegranate Jack is FAH-REAKING 'cuz he can't find his Avenue Q CD and Chicken Jack is on fire again!"

From his coat, Captain Peanut Jack grabbed a switchblade, some Bengay, an iPod, and a miniature fire extinguisher.

He briefly faced the Captain and said,

"I think I can handle it," he smiled, ran to the hold and started screaming his ass off.


End file.
